I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
