i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
