finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
