Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
