Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
