i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
