They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize