I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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