He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
