do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
