fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
