I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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