I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
