If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize