Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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