Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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