I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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