I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
