I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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