we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
