so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
