It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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