Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
