a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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