My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
