just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
