this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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