Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
