She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
