My underwear smells like fireworks.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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