So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
