new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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