Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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