Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
