I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
so much tequila, so little girl.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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