I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
