My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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