who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
