P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
