I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
