cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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