white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
