And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
