Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
