I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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