You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
