just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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