I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
