I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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