He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
