I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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