i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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