Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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