Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
