Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
