Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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