The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
