three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
