I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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