my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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