38 yer olds are good kisserssss
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
