my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
time to smoke my breakfast
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
