Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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