I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
