Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
