I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize